A Wandering Widow

Discovering my new normal

  • Widow’s Day

    Ugh. Widow’s Day? Really? Do we really need another day to remind us? I know there’s not a day that goes by that I’m not reminded of what I am missing.

    This weekend is the big Spring Grummage Sale in my community. I figured I’d participate since I’m overwhelmed with stuff. As I started going through boxes, the tears started flowing. Each box holds some memory of my past life. A life where I had my partner. A life where I had my mom. So much has changed that sometimes I don’t recognize my life.

    But memories are good, and when that is all you have you cling to them. Every day I have a ritual. I do all of my puzzles (Wordle, Dordle, Quordle. Octordle, NY crossword, AARP crossword) and I check my FB memories. Not always in that order. I love when pictures of our adventures come up. But a lot of my posts were “Kevin is working, so I’m on my own”. I wish there had been less of those and more time together. That is why I am trying to work less and play more.

    I’m stating my new job on May 30th. I’m excited by terrified. I also have a big trip coming up this month so stay tuned.

  • Heart Broken

    After the loss of my husband, I bonded with an old friend who had just lost his wife to cancer. We had known each other for over 25 years but had never really spent time together. Getting together for our monthly lunches was something I really looked forward to. A lot of people assumed we were dating and we just laughed and let them think what they wanted.

    In March of 2022, we took a trip together to a spa in Avila Beach. We had such a good time pampering ourselves. On the drive home we talked about starting a podcast where we would talk about our grief, but in a light hearted way. We wanted to call it Good Grief (which we later found out was already taken). After we got home, we talked about buying a house together over at the coast.

    He ended up meeting a woman in April of 2022 and I was busy with my new job and we didn’t keep in touch like we should’ve. In November we talked about heading back over to Avila Beach at the beginning of the year, but he started dating someone else so we didn’t go.

    My friend committed suicide yesterday. I was notified this morning. I am absolutely heartbroken. I’m sad and angry. He had so much to live for. He could’ve reached out to me or any number of other friends who would’ve been there for him.

    In a couple of months I should be starting my new job and our dream of living at the coast could’ve been a reality. But I can’t tell him that now.

    I know my friend never got over losing his wife. I don’t think its anything any of us get over, but we get through. We get through with the help of our family, our friends, our faith. I don’t know why my friend decided he didn’t want to live anymore. We never know what others are going through. All we can do is be kind to one another.

    If you have feelings of hopelessness, please reach out. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741.

    I’ll miss you my friend.

  • End of the year thoughts

    As we draw closer to the end of the year, I look back at 2021 and count my blessings. I definitely had more good days than bad. I’m learning to let go for what is not meant for me.

    In January I started a new job. It has definitely been challenging but I needed something to tax my brain. I was getting complacent. I work with a great group of people and have made new friends.

    I traveled quite a bit. Vegas, Oregon, Maui were the highlights with smaller trips to the coast in between. I am grateful for my ability to travel and have plans to do a few big trips in 2023.

    My babies were all healthy this year and I acquired two new ones, my goats, Ozzy and Owen. People think I’m crazy for having nine animals, but they bring me such joy. I know that some days Kevin looks down and just shakes his head.

    I did date some this year but after some reflection (and some really bad dates) I’ve decided I need to be alone for a while longer. Focusing on me, Jared and the critters is enough right now.

    One thing I’m realizing is that happiness is not something you find. I’ve been trying so hard to find it but it doesn’t work that way. I have many things and people that make me happy but true happiness has eluded me. That is what I’m striving for in 2023, making a conscious effort to be happy. Its a choice that I need to make every day.

    I wish you all a very safe and happy new year.

  • Bitter or Better?

    I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I have found it hard to pick a topic that is speaking to me. But have no fear, I have found one.

    They say the world can make you bitter or it can make you better. I have experienced my share of bitterness. I admit I find it hard sometimes to look at couples’ happy posts or to wish someone a happy anniversary. I wonder why God didn’t answer our prayers to heal Kevin when he heals others. It would be so easy to stay bitter. I could place blame, be negative, feel sorry for myself. I could stay angry and resentful but its such an ugly quality.

    I have belonged to several FB grief groups over the past three years. I have left all of them for one reason. Bitterness. Sounds strange huh? I mean grief groups are full of people who are suffering loss. They should be bitter, right? Perhaps for a while, but to hold onto that bitterness is unhealthy and it makes people stuck, unable to heal. All of the negativity was bringing me down.

    There was recently a post in a group I’m in that asked what we want to be known for. I was shocked that many of the comments were negative. A lot of people didn’t want to be known for anything except for being the spouse of the one they lost. They could not see beyond that. I read some of the comments out loud to my son and he said “mom, I’m glad you aren’t like that.” I often wonder how he feels about my outlook on things. I’m glad to know that he does not want me bitter and sad all of the time. My answer to the question was that I want to be known for the help I provided to victims of crime and for helping people get through their grief.

    I have found a widow’s travel club and I’m pretty excited about that. So far most of the posts have been positive. I have put together an event in Bakersfield so that people in the area can attend. I’m really looking forward to that. Its nice to see the pictures from the groups who have gotten together in other parts of the country.

    I’m hoping that my loss is making me a better person. I hope that I can encourage others to heal and let go of resentments. I’m not promising that I’m going to be perfect and not allow a little bit of anger in a times but I am working towards a more positive existence.

  • The Losses After the Loss

    There are a lot of losses that come with losing a spouse. You lose your best friend, your lover, your companion, your confidant, your ready made date, your traveling partner.

    But there were other losses that I didn’t expect. Friends, good friends actually, disappeared. Although, looking back, maybe they weren’t such good friends after all. Not only did they stop calling and texting, they unfriended me on social media and blocked me with no explanation.

    It is normal that after the funeral is over people become less available. Every day texts and calls became weekly, then maybe monthly. I admit it did hurt and I felt a little sorry for myself for a while. But I thought about times in my life that I haven’t necessarily been there for others after their loss. I have tried to become better at reaching out.

    I found myself bonding with strangers in the early days. Especially those who had suffered a similar loss. I joined a widow’s group on Facebook and soon became an admin. I made two wonderful friends who I talked to for hours every night. To this day, we have not met in person but are making plans to do so. These two women got me through some very difficult times. Jodi and Marty, if you are reading this, those nights meant the world to me and I miss our “Night Crew.”

    Even though I lost some friendships, I also gained some beautiful ones. I got to know Kevin’s friends on a different level. They truly stepped up for our family. My liaison Lynn, who I knew for years before, became a great friend. People in our community reached out even though we had lived there for just a few weeks. I have become very close to several people in my neighborhood.

    I guess the saying that the only constant is change is correct. Sometimes I don’t recognize my life because of all of the changes. Its hard that my new friends have only known me as a single person. So I try to tell them about Kevin every chance I get. I think they would’ve loved him and he them.