A Wandering Widow

Discovering my new normal

  • Solo Travel – Oregon

    Kevin passed away in August of 2019. I ended up taking four months off of work. As a victim advocate, I felt that I could not be of service to others until I dealt with my own trauma. So in January of 2020 I went back to the office. Well we all know what happened shortly after that. COVID. And then I got moved to another office within six months. It was a lot of change in a very short amount of time. New home in a new town, no husband, a global pandemic and a new position at work. I needed so badly to get away and couldn’t. I did do a couple of trips with friends but I needed my own get away. So I chose a place on the map and I started making plans.

    I have always been drawn to Oregon but had never been. As a Cancer, I am all about the water. I chose Newport because it was on the water, had good restaurants and was close to the lighthouses and some very beautiful beaches. I had no idea how much I would love it there.

    Thankfully I have always enjoyed my own company. You really have to if you are going to travel alone. You have a lot of time in your own head. But I also meet people very easily (I get that from my mother). The very first people I met were from Bakersfield. He went to North High and graduated in 1964! We had a laugh about our high school rivalries. Go Drillers!

    I meandered over to a local restaurant, grabbed some chowder and then did a little wine tasting. There was a picnic area in the back and I chose the best table with the most amazing view. I saw two couples and invited them to join me at my table. They were from Spokane, Washington and we had a nice visit. I took pictures for them and they took some for me. The rest of the day I explored the coast.

    Eating alone can be very daunting for some people. I just make sure I have my phone or a book. I also talk to the waiter/waitress and get some good tips about the area. My biggest complaint is that some restaurants give you a bad table if you are alone or ask if you want to sit at the bar. Heck no, I want that ocean view!

    I met two other female solo travelers. One in the hotel lobby and one on a whale watching tour. She and I had a great conversation about the benefits of traveling alone. You can wake up when you want, go to bed when you want, choose the restaurant you go to, etc etc. No compromises.

    My three days flew by and before I knew it it was time to come home. I drove into Portland and had lunch on the Columbia River right by the airport. I was very leery of Portland but it was really beautiful and I would definitely go back.

    I’m looking forward to my next solo trip. Maybe somewhere on the East Coast? Stay tuned.

  • Living Life to the Fullest

    “One Life. Just One. Why aren’t we running like we’re on fire towards our wildest dreams?”

    I get told a lot that I don’t sit still for very long. It’s true. Sometimes I think its a classic trauma response. But I also feel that I have so much living to do and I don’t know how much time I have left. None of us know our expiration date for fulfilling our dreams.

    I also feel an obligation to Kevin to do the things that we had planned on doing together. I know that he thought he had all of the time in the world. He was young, healthy and strong. He was sick for five months and then he was gone. Everything can change that quickly.

    This past weekend I went to the Hollywood Bowl to see Duran Duran. We had tickets to see them back in 2016 but Jared had just had major surgery and Kevin didn’t feel comfortable leaving him. We tried one other time and that didn’t work out either. So off I went alone to LA. Even a downpour of rain didn’t dampen my spirits. I sang and danced and had a great time.

    I encourage each of you to make your bucket list and start checking things off. They don’t have to be big things. Some of my items on my list are very small. But I also encourage you to do something that is out of your comfort zone. I’m getting ready to do that this week. Stay tuned.

  • 8/25/2019 – Three Years

    I have struggled with the decision to talk about the day that Kevin died, but I think it’s important. Its been three years. In some ways if feels like yesterday but then again it feels like forever too.

    It was a Sunday morning and I woke up and made blueberry pancakes. Jared and I ate but Kevin didn’t want any. I sent Jared to the store to get some applesauce because Kev hadn’t eaten anything in a while. We sat on the bed with him while he ate, mainly to make sure that he did.

    He looked so frail. It was so hard seeing him like that. And he was always cold even though it was late Summer and stifling.

    I told him that I thought he should go to the hospital. It had been three weeks since he had been discharged and he just didn’t look right to me. He was so thin, so gaunt. He didn’t want to go, of course. I made him promise that if he felt that he needed to go he would let me know and I’d take him.

    I left him in the bedroom to watch football and I went into the living room to watch tv. I checked on him several times. Later I told him that I was going to take a nap because I hadn’t been sleeping well. I had no sooner closed my eyes when I heard a strange noise.

    I got up and went into the bedroom and he was laying on the floor. He was conscious and was talking to me but he couldn’t get up. I called for Jared and he dialed 911. The Fire Department was there within a few minutes. He was still conscious and able to talk and understand. But within four minutes of their arrival, he was gone. EMT’s arrived and they continued to work on him for 45 minutes. I just remember the helicopter circling our house waiting to land so they could transport him. That never happened. Now whenever I hear a helicopter my anxiety kicks in and takes me back to that day. In all of the chaos, his wedding ring must’ve come off and we have never found it.

    His last word to me was “Always”.

    Wall in our bedroom. Lyrics to If Tomorrow Never Comes. Our first dance.

    Jared started making phone calls and people started showing up to the house. Honestly, I think they must’ve flown there. The Department sent a liaison who turned out to be a godsend. She is now a friend who is like more like family.

    The Coroner arrived and she and Kevin’s sergeant took such good care of him. They treated him with so much respect and covered him with a flag. There was a procession to the Coroner’s office and the Honor Guard stayed with him 24/7 until the funeral. This touched me so much to know that he was never alone.

    Sorry for the quality.

    After everyone left and it was just Jared and I, we weren’t quite sure what to do next. We were in a new house in a new town. And it was quiet. So, so quiet. Kevin would always say it was so quiet he couldn’t sleep. But we slept. And the next day I had to face the first day without him. The first day in 28-1/2 years that he would not be with me. That was the start of this journey.

  • A New Normal

    In my eight years as a victim advocate I used the phrase “new normal” with my victims and their families. But what does it mean? Well it means that life will never be the same again. My new life after Kevin passed away resembled nothing of my previous life with him. That’s because we had moved to a new house, in a new town just three weeks before he passed. Our neighbors never even had a chance to meet him.

    I took four months off of work to grieve and try to settle into our new life. At first I kept myself constantly busy, which of course is a very common trauma response. If I’m busy, then I don’t have to feel anything. My son Jared and I went to every local event that we could so we could get acquainted with our new town and possibly meet some people.

    I discovered a local winery and started talking to the owner and, small world, he knew Kevin’s aunt! It was a sign! (Kev has given me many signs. More to come on that). I very quickly started working at the winery and met some truly amazing people that took us in and treated us like family. As a matter of fact, we spent Christmas and New Years with them.

    I have met many new friends and sometimes when I look back I don’t even recognize my old life. I have a new job, new car, new pets (in addition to our old ones). It makes me very sad that Kevin isn’t on this life journey with me physically. But I know he is with me spiritually. I hope that he is proud of the way that I’m living this “new normal”.

  • Here we go…

    My name is Patti and I’m almost three years into my journey as a widow. I remember the moment I first realized that I was a (gasp) widow. It was the day after my husband passed and I was changing the sheets on my son’s bed because family was flying in to stay with us. I stopped and actually said aloud, “I am a widow.” How could that possibly be? A widow is an elderly white haired lady who wears black all of the time. I was 51 years old!

    My husband Kevin passed away on August 25, 2019. Three days before our 26th wedding anniversary. He was 52 years old. We just celebrated his birthday last Friday.

    The month of August is a tough one. I think maybe that’s why I have finally decided to start this blog. I need somewhere to record my crazy thoughts so that maybe they’ll make some sense to someone.

    Hopefully you will come along on this journey with me. I promise it will not be boring. There may be some tears, but there will definitely be a lot of laughs.