A Wandering Widow

I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I have found it hard to pick a topic that is speaking to me. But have no fear, I have found one.

They say the world can make you bitter or it can make you better. I have experienced my share of bitterness. I admit I find it hard sometimes to look at couples’ happy posts or to wish someone a happy anniversary. I wonder why God didn’t answer our prayers to heal Kevin when he heals others. It would be so easy to stay bitter. I could place blame, be negative, feel sorry for myself. I could stay angry and resentful but its such an ugly quality.

I have belonged to several FB grief groups over the past three years. I have left all of them for one reason. Bitterness. Sounds strange huh? I mean grief groups are full of people who are suffering loss. They should be bitter, right? Perhaps for a while, but to hold onto that bitterness is unhealthy and it makes people stuck, unable to heal. All of the negativity was bringing me down.

There was recently a post in a group I’m in that asked what we want to be known for. I was shocked that many of the comments were negative. A lot of people didn’t want to be known for anything except for being the spouse of the one they lost. They could not see beyond that. I read some of the comments out loud to my son and he said “mom, I’m glad you aren’t like that.” I often wonder how he feels about my outlook on things. I’m glad to know that he does not want me bitter and sad all of the time. My answer to the question was that I want to be known for the help I provided to victims of crime and for helping people get through their grief.

I have found a widow’s travel club and I’m pretty excited about that. So far most of the posts have been positive. I have put together an event in Bakersfield so that people in the area can attend. I’m really looking forward to that. Its nice to see the pictures from the groups who have gotten together in other parts of the country.

I’m hoping that my loss is making me a better person. I hope that I can encourage others to heal and let go of resentments. I’m not promising that I’m going to be perfect and not allow a little bit of anger in a times but I am working towards a more positive existence.