A Wandering Widow

I have struggled with the decision to talk about the day that Kevin died, but I think it’s important. Its been three years. In some ways if feels like yesterday but then again it feels like forever too.

It was a Sunday morning and I woke up and made blueberry pancakes. Jared and I ate but Kevin didn’t want any. I sent Jared to the store to get some applesauce because Kev hadn’t eaten anything in a while. We sat on the bed with him while he ate, mainly to make sure that he did.

He looked so frail. It was so hard seeing him like that. And he was always cold even though it was late Summer and stifling.

I told him that I thought he should go to the hospital. It had been three weeks since he had been discharged and he just didn’t look right to me. He was so thin, so gaunt. He didn’t want to go, of course. I made him promise that if he felt that he needed to go he would let me know and I’d take him.

I left him in the bedroom to watch football and I went into the living room to watch tv. I checked on him several times. Later I told him that I was going to take a nap because I hadn’t been sleeping well. I had no sooner closed my eyes when I heard a strange noise.

I got up and went into the bedroom and he was laying on the floor. He was conscious and was talking to me but he couldn’t get up. I called for Jared and he dialed 911. The Fire Department was there within a few minutes. He was still conscious and able to talk and understand. But within four minutes of their arrival, he was gone. EMT’s arrived and they continued to work on him for 45 minutes. I just remember the helicopter circling our house waiting to land so they could transport him. That never happened. Now whenever I hear a helicopter my anxiety kicks in and takes me back to that day. In all of the chaos, his wedding ring must’ve come off and we have never found it.

His last word to me was “Always”.

Jared started making phone calls and people started showing up to the house. Honestly, I think they must’ve flown there. The Department sent a liaison who turned out to be a godsend. She is now a friend who is like more like family.

The Coroner arrived and she and Kevin’s sergeant took such good care of him. They treated him with so much respect and covered him with a flag. There was a procession to the Coroner’s office and the Honor Guard stayed with him 24/7 until the funeral. This touched me so much to know that he was never alone.

After everyone left and it was just Jared and I, we weren’t quite sure what to do next. We were in a new house in a new town. And it was quiet. So, so quiet. Kevin would always say it was so quiet he couldn’t sleep. But we slept. And the next day I had to face the first day without him. The first day in 28-1/2 years that he would not be with me. That was the start of this journey.